Just some of my continual thoughts

As I read the words of Katie Davis in her recently released book, Kisses from Katie, my heart resonates with this: "I knew that one of God's purposes...was to grow in me...this heart for adoption."  She continues more personally,
In an effort to be real, I will tell you: It was hard...But God continued to show me that adoption is His heart, and it was becoming mine.
Adoption is wonderful and beautiful and the greatest blessing I have ever experienced.  Adoption is also difficult and painful.  Adoption is a beautiful picture of redemption.  It is the Gospel in my living room.  And sometimes, it's just hard.
As a parent, it's hard not to know when your daughter took her first  steps or what her first word was or what she looked like in kindergarten.  It's hard not to know where she slept and whose shoulder she cried on and what the scar on her eyebrow is from.  It's hard to know that for ten years yours was not the shoulder she cried on and you were not the mommy she hugged.
As a child, it's hard to remember your biological parents' death, no matter how much you love your new mom. It's hard to have your mom be a different color than you because inevitably people are going to ask why.  It's hard that your mom wasn't there for all the times you had no dinner and all the times you were sick and all the times you needed help with your homework.  It's hard when you have to make up your birthday.  It's hard when you can't understand the concept of being a family forever yet, because your first family wasn't forever.
Adoption is a redemptive response to tragedy that happens in this broken world.  And every single day, it is worth it, because adoption is God's heart.  His Word says, "In love He predestined us to be adopted as His sons through Jesus Christ, in accordance with His pleasure and will" (Ephesians 1:5).  He sets the lonely in families (see Psalm 68:6).  The first word that appears when I look up adoption in the dictionary is "acceptance."  God accepts me, adores me even, just as I am.  And He wants me to accept those without families into my own.  Adoption is the reason I can come before God's throne and beg Him for mercy, because He predestined me to be adopted as His child through Jesus Christ, in accordance with His pleasure and will - to the praise of His glorious grace.
My family, adopting these children, it is not optional.  It is not my good deed for the day; it is not what I am doing to "help out these poor kids."  I adopt because God commands me to care for the orphans and the widows in their distress.  I adopt because Jesus says that to whom much has been given, much will be demanded (see Luke 12:48) and because whoever finds his life will lose it but whoever loses his life for His sake will find it (see Matthew 10:39).
Reading Katie's words is quite similar to reading my own journal.  Although today I am still just here.  God has promised, so He will fulfill in His own time.  If I try to operate on my schedule and act on my emotions, my efforts, though with good intent to be obedient, will be ugly and unsuccessful.  But as I wait on Him and fully yield to the Holy Spirit, He will do it...and it will be beautiful.

Does my heart as a mother ache today? Oh, yes, every time I think about what "my" little boy may be doing at that moment, I long to be there with him.  But I can rest, peacefully, knowing that my Savior loves my little boy even more than I do.  I can trust Him because He is trustworthy.  This is my sum.

Just "Yes."

I think about my dreams, just from seven years ago...I wanted to go to the University of Hawai`i at Mano a and study Hawaiian (language) to teach it and make it more readily available for those wanting to preserve that part of their heritage, but my parents would not allow me (at 16 years of age) to be alone so far away [failed plan #1].  My interest in piano increased and I decided I'd like to pursue piano performance, thinking that it would be a cool way to do something "for God," but my ridiculous number of hours practicing (without proper stretching) gave me lateral epicondylitis which still plagues me today [failed plan #2].  Next it was the combination of my (then dreaded) science courses and working in the pharmacy that fed an unknown aptitude for science, so I pursued pharmacy prereq's for a while, but I decided that would be boring [failed plan #3].  I then focused more on the prereq's for med school, planning to get my degree and focus on research/biochem so that I could go to third world countries and develop immunizations for diseases that others don't see worthy of investing their time or efforts in.  I could not finish completing the prereq's for med school because the schools I deemed legit rejected me (being an out-of-state transfer student is harder than you may think) [failed plan #4].  So I decided to take my love of languages and explored linguistics for a while and signed up for a trip to PNG to see what Bible translation was like, because, well, that's how linguistics is best used.  It was while I was in PNG that it was confirmed to me that linguistics wasn't it either [failed plan #5].  In ways that only God could, He brought my heart back to what gripped me when I was just 5 years old: adoption.  I came home to begin courses with LUO to just finish a Bachelor's in something so I could go on to get an MSW somewhere.

I was not ever excited about psychology, but I had already taken enough classes as electives previously that it would save me the most time in finishing.  I thought that I would finish just a year after beginning classes (December 2011), but realized that I would be wearing myself out with the coursework necessary.  I then thought, "Well, I guess graduating in May 2012 won't be all that bad if I get to keep my sanity" [failed plan #6].  Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha.  I keep making all these plans and I fail.  I make more plans and fail....like seven times over already! I'm an IDIOT!!! Yeah, okay, God.  I get it.  Really, I think I do this time.

I don't know what God wants to do with me.  I know that the passion He instilled in me for rescuing hurting and orphaned children is a big part of the plan.  I'm not sure what His timing is, but I think for once I'm just gonna stop trying to figure out what it is He wants to do with me.  I will simply enjoy Him and the mystery of His plans.    :o]

Proverbs 16, verse 9 is fitting here: "We can make our plans, but the LORD determines our steps."